Is Marriage The Ultimate In Contemporary Africa?
“The overall African philosophy is that life and the reproduction of life sit at the core of human society. Men and women have children who ritualise their parents and ancestors”-Molefi Asante
My long uneventful weekend was rudely interrupted by a friend’s devastation over his parent’s marriage ultimatum served on him. He is to marry, by September, the woman betrothed to him. He is simply not ready for marriage and can’t understand why it should be such a burden.
This scenario got me wondering whether marriage need be the ultimate in Africa. Of course, on a socio-cultural level, it might seem obligatory, but on an individual basis, the picture may just look different.
Centuries ago, marriage was and still is key in one’s transition from childhood to adulthood. It is one of the rites that could never be overlooked, especially after puberty. So among the Krobos, an ethnic group in Ghana, a woman was ready for marriage right after successfully going through the initiation rites.
Marriage is a very important institution within the traditional African context. Not only does it unite couples, but it also brings together entire families and communities. Beyond that, it signifies maturity and ushers the couple into a state of responsibility, especially when baby making is the greater expectation of the marriage. That is why marriage was so common in the past and even in recent times. Forced marriages are also rampant and even characteristic of certain rural communities in Africa. Marriage was and still is a big deal in Africa. That is why my friend’s case comes to me as no surprise.
It is a taboo in Africa for a mature woman of childbearing age to remain unmarried, especially when in her 30s. And President Jacob Zuma’s comment that he “wouldn’t want to stay with daughters who are not getting married,” perhaps, sums up the Continent’s disgust for singleness. “I know that people today think being single is nice. It's actually not right,’’ Zuma stressed.
But I often ask if marriage is meant for everyone. Is everyone supposed to get married? And why won’t families and society just let people be?
In my opinion, marriage mustn’t be compulsory, nor must it be all there is to life. It is, a choice for those who meet the criteria for it. Marriage entails a lot and not everyone qualifies for it. Not everyone will get married and not everyone is eligible for marriage.
Sometime in 2005, former Ghana Television News Anchor, Gifty Anti, had an interview with the Catholic Archbishop of Accra, Charles Palmer-Buckle, about marriage in Christianity. In the interview, the Archbishop noted that marriage is an institution from God; it is a blessing, but it isn’t compulsory.
The idea that one necessarily needs to get married in life may be an ancient notion, but it still lingers even today. So some women, forced by socio-cultural pressures, find their way into marriages, which never last.
Though the old perception that one must at all cost get married at some point and have children still holds sway, I dare say its stranglehold on society isn’t as potent as before. These days quite a number of people, mature women especially, prefer making babies as single mothers to marrying. Though childbearing is generally highly encouraged in Africa, it isn’t pacifying enough to have children outside marriage, given the reverence for, and vitality of marriage within on the Continent. While the woman gets mocked for mothering a bastard, the child may yet have his own share of the scorn from his peers. While some women simply don’t care about the societal backlash and are easily able to shrug it off, others with not-so-tough skins may flounder in justifying their social deviancy while bearing the cultural brunt of such waywardness.
The cultural edict that marriage is the ultimate, is stifling. It is unnerving sometimes when your parents, for example, keep hinting at the need for you to get married, even when you don’t feel ready for it. I really got angry when my mother gave me such hints when I was 23-years-old. But my case is way better than my big sister’s. At 31, the pressure being brought on her to get married is unbearable. Sadly, she appears to be succumbing to the insufferable socio-cultural pressures that have conspired with her desperation to beat her biological clock. As a result, she’s been railroaded into the arms of a man I consider as a very irresponsible person who is by no means deserving of her.
You see, social pressures force people into marriages that may torment them for years. Besides, not everyone can withstand the odds of marriage. Infidelity, childlessness, pressure from in-laws and other demands may push some people over the cliff. Those who overlook these odds, end up annulling their marriages in a few months. But of course, some are able to stomach all the hardship that come with getting married. They accommodate abuse, infidelity, and childlessness in their bid to please society. But for how long can they keep up appearances?
A married woman once told me that a major challenge in her marriage had to do with a clash of expectations. The feeling of marriage at the initial stage was delightful for her. She thought it was just a way of satisfying social and family expectations and so hurriedly got married, despite the obvious incompatibility with the man. And now conflicts, disappointments and obstacles are the lot of the marriage. She now feels it is better being single than married.
Then again, there is a constant conflict between an individual’s readiness for marriage and society’s timing and demand for it. There is a rift between the individual’s plans and society’s readiness to accept the conditions of the individual – a situation often overlooked by the same people who clamour to see their sons and daughters married.
Marriage is often cited as a solution to sexual immorality. But who says married couples don’t go frolicking outside their matrimonial homes.
Sometime in 2008, my father forced a poor uncle of mine to get married simply because he was ageing. My uncle argued he wasn’t financially sound to look after a family at the time. My father promised to support my uncle financially. Sadly, my Dad reneged his promise when it mattered most. The marriage broke down because, despite his scrounging to supplement his measly 2 cedi per hour minimum wage, my uncle couldn’t keep his family afloat.
Beyond psychological and physiological readiness, money is key in making every marriage work. Society will hypocritically brand you as irresponsible if you marry and aren’t able to cater for your family. And that’s exactly what happened to my uncle.
I don’t want to be part of this social charade. Yes, I would want to get married someday, but society won’t dictate the pace for me. And I believe strongly that just as nature doesn’t allow every man or woman to be a father or mother, not everyone can be a wife or husband. Society must allow people to have a choice whether to marry or to stay single.
http://www.infoboxdaily.com/index.php/component/k2/item/1170-is-marriage-the-ultimate-in-contemporary-africa
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